the drowning man

30 March 2007

“The best in our natures is drowning in the worst.” - Salman Rushdie

In clutching the drowning man, I have drowned myself too.

I have swallowed heaps of salty water - tasted its saline taste and declared it sweet; felt it course my parched throat and claimed it quenched my thirst; held on to the drowning man and deemed each momentary surge to the surface of the sea as sufficient gasps for air, blips of life I blindingly saw as LIFE as it should be.

I guess there really was intent to save me, with as much strength and willpower as anyone would do for love. But a man saves himself first before saving any other damsel – especially at sea when our own natures dictate us to cling to things as we flail and thrash about, dragging the people we care about to our own sinking spaces. We felt the hunger of the seas sucking us in and we buoyed each other up - but only by pushing the other back down into the depths. It was a tragic affair.

Whether I drank too much of the sea to be permanently nauseous, I would never know till later. But for now, I am relieved, utterly so, that I have narrowly escaped its harrowing tempers. I am in solid ground, at last, and I shall walk my way back to inner land – from the sandy shores of the tempting beach, through the bustling, treacherous roads, to home. I shall go back home.

I shall summon courage to visit the seas once again, not now but soon. I would be wise enough to swim in its shallower parts and put on a life vest when I venture out to its deepest waters. I will learn to calmly ride the waves, not fight them nor fear them. I may see a drowning man or two and I may be lured with glorious promises of rescue but I shall remain far away from them. I have drowned once and gruellingly broke myself free – it is enough experience for me.

birthday letter

28 March 2007
My Birthday

I have often told you, in one way or the other, that being happy is a decision we make for ourselves. As the clock ticks now to signal another year for me, I find myself stringing the tide of seconds through a constant renewal of a decision to be happy.

Even now in tears, I trample upon the suffocating, pervasive ache of sadness. I choose instead to feel its confined sting, to awaken me – a pinch or two of utter pain that resuscitates my heart, allows it to throb once again for life, for me, for family. And then I learn to feel again, and the blood that courses through my veins reminds me of home, of all of you – and I feel alive.

I have never found home here, no matter how hard I try. I have realized most people give in anticipation of what I’d give in return. It is a tiring enterprise, to bargain for acceptance and understanding at every encounter, to rely not on the kindness of people but on fairness and equity. It is the way of the world, and I accept it, begrudgingly at first, but more and more resigned to it now. Equally important, I have learned to breathe, to remember all of you and in that instant, glimpse a gap of clean air in the fog, reach out to it, and exhale.

We are miles apart but ironically, I feel closer to you all now.

Perfection has always eluded me, and our relationships have seen its crests and troughs. But in its frailty, we have built better bonds. I have hurt you, I know. You have hurt me too. But reprisal is the dust we sweep out of our home. We forgive, we love again, we grow - and we become better family for each other.

I am with you now, celebrating my birthday with you all. We would have gone out for one of our customary dinners – seafood buffet perhaps and coffee afterwards. I long for it but the picture is enough for the moment.

Read this letter and stash it as a mere sentimental outpouring. I know you’d find it typical anyway, me – the emotional me. Ascribe it to that and keep your worries at bay. The mockery of this cheesy letter is coming, I know. Honestly, I can’t wait.

I will see you all soon.

With much love,

Ann

decide to be happy

I decide to be happy, to revel in the good things in my life and know that I deserve no less than the best and genuine from anybody and everybody. I have faith in the sincerity of my heart, in the kindness of my deeds and in the gentleness of my words. The tears I shed, no matter how often, remain threadbare evidences of the ill spirit others prosecute me for . The tears are never admission of guilt, but are for grieving chances lost, excesses from the well of sympathy that was once so willing to give forth gushing water. It seals itself carefully now, and chooses to gape open to those who I deem worth my time, worth my heart.

I am nowhere near perfection, but I am at a state of greater awareness – of myself - this little girl from so long ago, who used to hide and cower at the often ill-perceived imminence of danger and risk. Many fears remain, but the years have fostered greater commitment and willpower to overcome, to believe that everything passes – this too. I decide my reality and bend the world towards it. The world will bend to bestow me bliss, to grant me people who would love me and whom I would love, to build me a home at any corner of the world, be it in the ephemeral clouds, in the rocky seas, or on solid ground. I am happy, today on my birthday and always.

Catch me

Catch me when I fall. I have gone too far up it’s futile to climb my way back down, each step secure but slow. I WILL fall - hard and strong.

I need you to catch me when I plummet down the never-ending floors of recklessness, deceit and pride, each level seeking to break my fall mid-way so I could once again reside in their confusion. I shall plunge head-down to crack these fearful, crippling thoughts. I shall leap with arms outstretched, clutching nothing from my past life but the garments it endowed me with. Garments of deep realizations and painful insights – these I struggle now to wear and tear, wringing them of every last drop of meaning, losing as much unneeded load as I could off them before that inevitable jump.

Jump - down to where humility and grace are beds of comfort for the weary warrior of the world. I shall rest with you after I wage my battles. Some of them I would have won, some I would have lost. When I’m finally down with you, the tally won’t matter. I would have been with you, and I would have won anyhow.

Be Still

Lazy Sunday Afternoon

What is life but a series of circumstances that present themselves before us, raw and unassuming? We either embrace them or retreat from them, all the time declaring ourselves worthy or unworthy of the good things that come our way. Happiness itself is a decision, a never-ending endeavour to define and redefine ourselves amidst the milieu. It is but waiting to be allowed entry, to commence the slow but steady clearing of dreary clouds and cast itself ubiquitously over the littlest nooks and crannies of our lives. It expects little of us, simply to request that we be still. For such is the nature of a restless mind – its constant quiver drowns out rising melodies from our hearts and silences our spirits.

So be still. In serenity, you could root yourself in the never-ending tide of goodness and beauty, emanating from the most unexpected of people, in the harshest of places, at the most inopportune times. Embrace these as they come, without apologies, without guilt. It is life’s wish for you to own happiness and tread the world with light steps.

Complete

Lately, I have been reduced to a cacophony of noises, rattling with voices not my own, a mere shadow of these dragons around me, pacing myself with each their breaths until I almost forgot how to do it on my own.

It is now with renewed strength that I face the world again, free of the shackles I have personally locked onto my limbs some time ago, when I was blind and searching. I am older now, wiser to have realized that sympathies are wares you buy with your self-esteem, and pities are but alms for beggars. I choose not to beg, to ask, to seek. I give all that I need unto my own. I am sufficient and complete.