birthday letter

28 March 2007
My Birthday

I have often told you, in one way or the other, that being happy is a decision we make for ourselves. As the clock ticks now to signal another year for me, I find myself stringing the tide of seconds through a constant renewal of a decision to be happy.

Even now in tears, I trample upon the suffocating, pervasive ache of sadness. I choose instead to feel its confined sting, to awaken me – a pinch or two of utter pain that resuscitates my heart, allows it to throb once again for life, for me, for family. And then I learn to feel again, and the blood that courses through my veins reminds me of home, of all of you – and I feel alive.

I have never found home here, no matter how hard I try. I have realized most people give in anticipation of what I’d give in return. It is a tiring enterprise, to bargain for acceptance and understanding at every encounter, to rely not on the kindness of people but on fairness and equity. It is the way of the world, and I accept it, begrudgingly at first, but more and more resigned to it now. Equally important, I have learned to breathe, to remember all of you and in that instant, glimpse a gap of clean air in the fog, reach out to it, and exhale.

We are miles apart but ironically, I feel closer to you all now.

Perfection has always eluded me, and our relationships have seen its crests and troughs. But in its frailty, we have built better bonds. I have hurt you, I know. You have hurt me too. But reprisal is the dust we sweep out of our home. We forgive, we love again, we grow - and we become better family for each other.

I am with you now, celebrating my birthday with you all. We would have gone out for one of our customary dinners – seafood buffet perhaps and coffee afterwards. I long for it but the picture is enough for the moment.

Read this letter and stash it as a mere sentimental outpouring. I know you’d find it typical anyway, me – the emotional me. Ascribe it to that and keep your worries at bay. The mockery of this cheesy letter is coming, I know. Honestly, I can’t wait.

I will see you all soon.

With much love,

Ann